Going with my gut...

Monday saw a slightly stressful few hours after I called the clinic before I sent through my donor choice to check if the list I had was still current. Their process is that you choose your top three from what they have in stock before each cycle. If five other women have used a donor he will be taken off the list as their is a five family limit in NSW.

All three of the donors I'd chosen had been take off the list. Of course!

I was emailed the up-to-date list and told I needed to let them know my choices by 3pm. Oh the pressure!

In the end I decided that it was fate. I should have followed my gut instinct from the start. The African American donor was still there and had stood out to me from the first time I looked at the enhanced profiles on the Xytex website. He had the best health record, was athletic, social, intelligent, had reported pregnancies, was CMV negative and was by far the best-looking. If I'd had to choose to date any of the men on the list I'd have chosen him every time without hesitating. But I allowed my head to overrule my instinct and decided to pretend I'd never seen him on the grounds that my child will have enough to deal with being donor conceived without being mixed race as well.

However with the other donors I liked now unavailable when I considered the options open to me I realised that the AA donor was head and shoulders above any of them. I knew that I would feel proud to show my child their donor and I didn't feel the same about the others options. Both my second and third options had significant health issues themselves or in their family, one was bordering on obese and I just knew they weren't people I'd be attracted to in real life.

Taking race out of the picture - as in an ideal world we should - I felt that by choosing him I was giving my child the best genes I could. Yes, none of my family are black, yes Australia isn't the most multi-racial of cultures - there are next to no black people in my suburb - but the child will also have my genes and my features so who knows what he or she will end up looking like.

Once I'd filled the form and emailed it back to the clinic I felt at peace with my choice and actually really excited about my choice as I was sure it was the best one. In fact if I don't get a BFP and he's available again next cycle I would choose him again...