Stop the rollercoaster, I want to get off!

I wish I'd carried on writing on here over the last couple of weeks because it's been quite a ride. My emotions have been all over the place, but finally over the last week or so I've arrived at a better place. I've learnt quite a bit about myself in the process.

Two weeks ago, after a few tumultuous weeks I was having major fears about the reality of being a single mother. I voiced my worries to a couple of friends and on both occasions ended up shedding tears, mourning the dream I've always had of meeting the man I'm meant to be with and having kids together. I felt unbelievably sad.

The reality of coping with a child on my own has really hit me. I felt terrified by the fact that when it comes down to it, no matter how much support I get, the buck stops with me - there will be no-one else whose responsibility it is to help me care for my child. I see my friends with their kids and when they are at the end of their tether or things go wrong they have their husband there to help them or to take the pressure off (though admittedly sometimes the husbands add to the pressure!). I'm scared that I'm going to feel really alone and that there will be a limit to how much I can ask my friends to help me. At the end of the day they all have their own lives/kids/issues to take care off - no-one else will have a duty to help me or my child.

This coincided rather unfortunately with my ex-boyfriend momentarily making an appearance in my life (why can't he just not exist anymore!?) to ask me if I was 'cool' with him bringing his new (model - just to add insult to injury) girlfriend to a lunch our group of friends had organised. I most definitely was not cool with it but at first I thought I'd better be diplomatic and just accept it.

However I slept on it before I responded to him and I woke up the next morning with the overwhelming sense that I needed to be honest and tell him the truth. So I did. I sent him a very straight-forward email explaining that I wasn't cool with it - that I didn't think it was the appropriate occassion to bring her along to as it was an intimate lunch for close friends and it would be extremely awkward for all concerned.

He kept texting saying he wanted to talk to me and I really didn't want to - I didn't want to let him have any more opportunity to upset me than he already has. So I text him saying I'd told him what I thought and didn't want to make an issue out of it so there really wasn't anything else to discuss. Then I freaked out.

The thought of seeing him with his new happy girlfriend while I'm contemplating having a child on my own because things didn't work out with him, or with any other man I've been with, was just crushing. Ironically if he hadn't called me I would have gone into the lunch dreading it but thinking it was just something I had to do, but having been given the opportunity to object I was suddenly overwhelmed by how unfair it was that I was on my own while he - the one who cheated, lied and deceived - has met someone. I decided not to go to the lunch. Why punish myself? I couldn't stop crying.

However a day or so later I'd calmed down. I realised that this was an obstacle I was going to overcome at some point so I may as well get it over and done with so that I didn't have to go through the same ordeal and anticipation at a later date. So I went. But guess what? He didn't. He bailed, and although I felt a little bad for those amongst my friends who I know would have liked him to be there - the overriding feeling has been one of immense relief. Not just because he wasn't there and I didn't have to sit across the table from him and her, whatever she is like, but more relief in the very deepest sense has washed over me because I've finally stood up for myself. I've finally stopped playing the diplomatic card and laid my true hand on the table. I'd had enough of worrying about what everyone else thinks, what he thinks and was only concerned with what was good for me - and it feels fucking good. Why do I need to tolerate someone who treated me with such disdain and disregard? Why the fuck shouldn't I spit the dummy for once? Why should I always have to be the nice, reasonable one?

Actually to be honest I think this is the first reasonable thing I've done since we broke up. I've always been so afraid to express unpleasant feelings incase people don't like me because of it, but sometimes being hurt and angry and showing it is the only reasonable reaction - and it feels good!

The proof of how beneficial this one act of selfish act of defiance has been is in how positive and relaxed I've been feeling since. Gone are the overwhelming fears and sadness, gone is the mourning for the past, and - touch wood - gone are the endless sleepless nights. I've spent the last six months stressed out and barely sleeping. It's been unbearable. It's as if my mind was telling me it wasn't going to rest until I'd had my say - and now it's done. A switch has flicked in my head and I'm finally free, free of the niggling annoyance, frustration and bitterness that I'd let someone so unworthy walk all over me. Free of the pain, hurt and crushing disappointment that has dominated this whole year.

I am ready to begin again. Refreshed, renewed, reinvigorated and resolved.