This is it, this is now, this is me

Yesterday was the first day of a brand new year. I know it's cliched to think of a new year as a new beginning - it's just another day after all. However symbolically 2010 really does mark the end of a negative time in my life and what I very much hope will be the beginning of a new phase of positivity. It marks the end of passivity, of waiting, of hoping that someone will come along and make my life better, and the start of me standing up, strong and proud and taking control of my life to make my dreams reality. It may not be happening the way I've always imagined it would, but I can still make it happen, I don't need to let that dream pass me by because the right man hasn't come along. I'm empowered by the knowledge that I can do it on my own - that the keys to my happiness are in the palm of my hand - and it's such a relief. The burden of trying to make dead-end relationships work, of trying to meet men, no longer weighs me down making every step I take a heavy one. I can walk lightly, confidently and with more determination knowing that I don't need to wait any longer.

Let me dwell for one last moment on the events of 2009, so that I can bid them a proper farewell and leave them behind, where they belong. There hasn't been a tougher year in my life. Worse things have happened, yes, but in so far as how difficult they were to deal with the events of 2009 left me reeling and feeling more devastated than I'd ever been before. Looking back, I'm not quite sure how I pulled myself together and carried on. I've never been so let down by a person in my life - I've always seen the best in people, always expected that people will do the right thing, treat other people well, and that faith in humanity was completely shattered by the actions of one person who for a while I thought was my best friend. Despite his cruel actions, I kept on hoping that he would redeem himself, that there must be a decent person in there somewhere, but every time I was let down. I gave him a chance to be sorry, but he'd turned the situation around in his own head to become one where I was at fault, so that he could excuse his appalling behaviour. At the point I knew I had to give it up - give up hoping that he'd regret his actions, that he still cared about me and was sorry for how he treated me. Some people just don't have the capacity to ever put anyone else first, to ever care enough about another person that their needs are considered on an equal footing to their own. So, I don't want a person like that in my life, I have mentally shoved him out beyond the point at which he would have the power to hurt me again. Unfortunately I still have to see him, still have to tolerate him, but he's no longer someone I consider a friend, he's nobody to me now, and that's how it's going to stay.

Sadly, I have lost a little faith - faith in my own judgement, faith that people are going to be essentially good and well-meaning. But maybe that's not such a bad thing. I've seen the good in people when it's not really there and I've blindly carried on hoping for the best from someone who was never going to make the grade far too many times, and here is where it ends. Only the people who prove themselves worth it are going to be let into my life from now on. Only people who add something to my life, who show that they care and who have a positive influence. The rest can stay away.

Actually my judgement has not let me down - my instincts are good, it's my ability to follow them that's weak. It's when I ignore or override my instincts that I get into trouble. I knew he was someone I shouldn't get involved with when I first met him. I knew he wasn't good relationships material but I let lust, fun and living for the moment get in the way of the wiser instinctual knowledge about what was good for me in the long-term. Never again. At some point I have to become older AND wiser and stop making the same mistakes over and over again. This is that point.

So, 2010 is the start of a new phase, a new approach. I want to live my life in such a way that in five, ten years time I don't look back and have major regrets. I want to have tried my best to make my life what I want it to be. So I'm focussed on having a baby, on becoming a mother. It is what I've always wanted and is what matters to me the most. I realise that the innate restlessness I've experienced throughout my working life - moving from job to job, career to career - is because no 'job' can ever give me the satisfaction I'd get from the role of being a mother - that is where I'll find my true identity, my true reason for living. Meeting a man to share my life with is secondary to that. If it happens at some point in the future, if I meet someone who really is my best friend, who wants the best for me and my child/children, who is essentially a good, trustworthy, honest person who also makes me laugh and floats my boat, then great, but it's no longer my raison d'etre. The pressure is off. My priorities now lie elsewhere.

Bring it on 2010, I am ready.

Stop the rollercoaster, I want to get off!

I wish I'd carried on writing on here over the last couple of weeks because it's been quite a ride. My emotions have been all over the place, but finally over the last week or so I've arrived at a better place. I've learnt quite a bit about myself in the process.

Two weeks ago, after a few tumultuous weeks I was having major fears about the reality of being a single mother. I voiced my worries to a couple of friends and on both occasions ended up shedding tears, mourning the dream I've always had of meeting the man I'm meant to be with and having kids together. I felt unbelievably sad.

The reality of coping with a child on my own has really hit me. I felt terrified by the fact that when it comes down to it, no matter how much support I get, the buck stops with me - there will be no-one else whose responsibility it is to help me care for my child. I see my friends with their kids and when they are at the end of their tether or things go wrong they have their husband there to help them or to take the pressure off (though admittedly sometimes the husbands add to the pressure!). I'm scared that I'm going to feel really alone and that there will be a limit to how much I can ask my friends to help me. At the end of the day they all have their own lives/kids/issues to take care off - no-one else will have a duty to help me or my child.

This coincided rather unfortunately with my ex-boyfriend momentarily making an appearance in my life (why can't he just not exist anymore!?) to ask me if I was 'cool' with him bringing his new (model - just to add insult to injury) girlfriend to a lunch our group of friends had organised. I most definitely was not cool with it but at first I thought I'd better be diplomatic and just accept it.

However I slept on it before I responded to him and I woke up the next morning with the overwhelming sense that I needed to be honest and tell him the truth. So I did. I sent him a very straight-forward email explaining that I wasn't cool with it - that I didn't think it was the appropriate occassion to bring her along to as it was an intimate lunch for close friends and it would be extremely awkward for all concerned.

He kept texting saying he wanted to talk to me and I really didn't want to - I didn't want to let him have any more opportunity to upset me than he already has. So I text him saying I'd told him what I thought and didn't want to make an issue out of it so there really wasn't anything else to discuss. Then I freaked out.

The thought of seeing him with his new happy girlfriend while I'm contemplating having a child on my own because things didn't work out with him, or with any other man I've been with, was just crushing. Ironically if he hadn't called me I would have gone into the lunch dreading it but thinking it was just something I had to do, but having been given the opportunity to object I was suddenly overwhelmed by how unfair it was that I was on my own while he - the one who cheated, lied and deceived - has met someone. I decided not to go to the lunch. Why punish myself? I couldn't stop crying.

However a day or so later I'd calmed down. I realised that this was an obstacle I was going to overcome at some point so I may as well get it over and done with so that I didn't have to go through the same ordeal and anticipation at a later date. So I went. But guess what? He didn't. He bailed, and although I felt a little bad for those amongst my friends who I know would have liked him to be there - the overriding feeling has been one of immense relief. Not just because he wasn't there and I didn't have to sit across the table from him and her, whatever she is like, but more relief in the very deepest sense has washed over me because I've finally stood up for myself. I've finally stopped playing the diplomatic card and laid my true hand on the table. I'd had enough of worrying about what everyone else thinks, what he thinks and was only concerned with what was good for me - and it feels fucking good. Why do I need to tolerate someone who treated me with such disdain and disregard? Why the fuck shouldn't I spit the dummy for once? Why should I always have to be the nice, reasonable one?

Actually to be honest I think this is the first reasonable thing I've done since we broke up. I've always been so afraid to express unpleasant feelings incase people don't like me because of it, but sometimes being hurt and angry and showing it is the only reasonable reaction - and it feels good!

The proof of how beneficial this one act of selfish act of defiance has been is in how positive and relaxed I've been feeling since. Gone are the overwhelming fears and sadness, gone is the mourning for the past, and - touch wood - gone are the endless sleepless nights. I've spent the last six months stressed out and barely sleeping. It's been unbearable. It's as if my mind was telling me it wasn't going to rest until I'd had my say - and now it's done. A switch has flicked in my head and I'm finally free, free of the niggling annoyance, frustration and bitterness that I'd let someone so unworthy walk all over me. Free of the pain, hurt and crushing disappointment that has dominated this whole year.

I am ready to begin again. Refreshed, renewed, reinvigorated and resolved.

Staring down the barrel of infertility...

OK. I'm just about convinced. Before I take any action I want and need to have a couple of conversations with friends, friends who whose support I definitely need if I'm going to do this. I also need to talk to my mum as well. I can't do this without her support. I know if I was in England she'd support me every step of the way and do what she could to help me out with money - but she may not be so keen because I live on the other side of the world now.

And so far as Mr Right is concerned he's not here and probably won't be here in time to have kids with, so I've just got to get on with it. To a certain degree I sabotaged my last relationship because I was so anxious for things to hurry up and get to the marriage/babies stage. Without that ticking clock hanging over me I'll be far more relaxed about relationships and though it may be harder to actually meet someone as a single mum when I do I'll choose more wisely and be able to enjoy it more because I won't put pressure on it like I do now. It would actually be a huge relief to enjoy being with someone without that 'do you want to have kids with me!?!?!' question constantly being the elephant in the room.

I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of my 40th birthday...still being manless and childless then is not something I want to contemplate.

Testing times

I've talked about having a baby on my own to a couple of friends - other single women who I knew probably had had thoughts along these lines themselves. It would seem, so far, that I'm not the only one worried that while I'm waiting for Mr Right my ovaries are slowly shrivelling.

I was talked to a friend a couple of weeks ago about how upset I was to still find myself single at nearly 38 because I really want to have kids and don't know how much longer I can wait for Mr Right to come along. She mentioned that because she's had some gynaecological problems in the past she's going to a clinic for full testing so that she can gage how urgently she needs to consider the baby issue. She's also single, though a few years younger than me. She suggested I do the same if I'm worried about my fertile years running out. Her reasoning was that at least it would either give me some peace of mind that I've got a bit more time or give me the kick up the arse I need to realise that I really can't wait any longer.

She said the clinic she goes to offers this kind of testing for around $250 - and if you're referred by your doctor medicare will refund $80.

I'm wondering if this is something doing, or is just another way to stall making a decision?

Grieving the dream

I've been ready to have kids for the last 10 years. Between the ages of 27 and 30 I was with a guy I thought I was going to marry, but he dragged his heels, he wouldn't commit and eventually I gave up waiting and left him. Since then I've only had two serious-ish relationships and it's become harder and harder to ignore that ticking clock. It has become deafening. That ticking time bomb hanging over me is making it impossible for me to just relax and enjoy a relationship. Four or five years ago I still felt like I had time - now it feels like it's running out fast.

However it's still fucking hard to let go of that dream of meeting a guy who is my best friend, who loves me and want to have children with me. I can't quite believe that this is the position I find myself in and giving up on the dream feels like admitting defeat, however the stark reality is that there's plenty of time to meet a partner, but my window for having children is getting smaller by the day.

I've had a pretty difficult year - the dream was so close and then was snatched away from me at the last minute. That has made me face the fact that my timetable is different to that of most of the men I meet - who despite being in their mid-thirties still don't seem to be emotionally mature enough to want a family - and that perhaps I need to stop being at their mercy and take back the power I keep handing over to them, and just do what is right for me.

So much thinking to do...

Waking up to reality

I turn 38 in just over a month's time. I am single and childless. I've been looking for the right man for 20 years. I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of being at the mercy of meeting the right man. The time has come to start seriously thinking about my options, so here I am writing this blog. I'm struggling to face the fact that my life has not worked out as I hoped. I keep hoping the right man is going to come along but after many disappointments I've realised that maybe parenthood is a journey I'll have to take on my own if I want to take it at all. But i'm full of doubts and fears - the largest of which is reluctance to admit defeat, not wanting to resign myself to doing this alone. How would I cope both emotionally, physically and financially? I am on the other side of the world from my family so I have to think about where I would live, and how I would support myself.

I'm really hoping that sharing some of my thoughts will help me decide what to do for the best. What I do know is that having children is really important to me, it is what would make me feel that my life has been worthwhile - I don't want to miss out on such a great gift, but am full of trepidation about where this journey might take me.

I'm footloose and fertile - but for how much longer?

Thank you for reading.