There never seems to be any straightforward answers in this trying to conceive game. It's all one big gamble. Do you continue taking a chance on the illusive Mr Right crossing your path? Are your ovaries about to shrivel up and die? Do you still have any quality eggs left hiding somewhere in those 38-year-old ovaries? Should you try a simple inuterine insemination (IUI), or go full steam ahead with IVF? Which donor is going to have the super sperm that will find your egg and produce a healthy baby? No-one can give you any clear answers to these questions. The experts are just in the dark as you are. So you just have to follow your instincts and hope for the best.
I'm a firm believer that anything worth having in life is worth taking a risk for. So at some point or another I'm just going to have to stop analysing, stop asking questions, hold my breath and take that leap into the unknown. That time could be next month. Sharp intake of breath.
After realising that it's going to be a while before the clinic my original fertility specialist treats at gets their act together, following the introduction of NSW's new legislation - only five women can use each donor, complicating the use of imported sperm from the US - this week I went to an appointment with her competition. Fertility First are well known for treating single women and lesbians, clarified their position regarding the new law last year and are continuing to import sperm from the US sperm bank, Xytex.
So the long and the short of it is that I can go ahead with an IUI treatment next month - if I'm ready. That, of course, is the crucial question. Suddenly the real stuff is imminent and I can feel questions and doubts bubbling under the surface.
Friday 5 March 2010
Monday 1 March 2010
Farewell to the elephant in the room.
Telling my mum wasn't as hard as I feared. Ever since I started thinking about taking this path I've struggled with how to find a way to tell her about my plans. She's over in the UK and it's a hard subject to bring up on the phone, plus the whole issue of my still being single is not something we talk about. It's the elephant in the room - just like it is in the relationships I've had - the unspoken subject we daren't discuss for fear we reveal how truly upsetting we find it.
I was also nervous she'd react badly because it's not what she dreamed for me, because it's not 'normal' and because she was upset that this is something I'm planning on doing over here rather than back in England. I've thought long and hard about how to approach it - even telling my brother in the hope that he'd casually mentioned it to her...but he didn't, sensibly realising it was not his news to tell.
So the other morning on the way into work I called her - with no intention of actually telling her - but she started asking me about whether I'd met any interesting men lately and when I started telling her about how much fun I've been having and that I've adopting a very relaxed approach to dating it suddenly felt very right to fill her in on where this new laid back state of mind has come from - and joy of joys she sounded delighted! At first, I think she thought I was joking and joked herself about selecting one of the 'handsome' men I've met lately as the father. But then we talked about it in more detail and she really got it and agreed with me on nearly everything I said. I kept feeling like I had to argue my case only to have her say, "Darling, I totally agree with you."
When she said "So I could be grandmother to more than your brother's kittens?'"! I started welling up and told her that that was why I was telling her because I didn't want her to think I was just going to let the opportunity to be a mum pass me by. She totally agreed that being in a couple wasn't the be all and end all because you never know, you could end up on your own anyway (her and all of her close friends are now single in their 50s and 60s and two of them brought up their kids pretty much single handed). I also reassured her that I hadn't given up on meeting someone, but that meeting someone in the right time frame was becoming less and less likely and that turning 38 had woken me up to that reality.
I think it really helped that I told her now, when I've fully prepared myself and have obviously thought things through because I felt confident and sounded sure of myself. I let her know where I'm up to in the process and she sounded please when she told me I was being very inventive and practical. She's probably just hugely relieved that I'm doing something! She even asked about childcare over here and how I'd cope financially and suggested I sell my flat in London - so she's already thinking ahead. A good sign.
It's a massive weight off my mind, and I feel really really lucky to have her support - it's renewed my enthusiasm for moving forward. After years of avoiding this subject, of worrying about letting her down and feeling like a failure it is such a relief to have finally been honest and let her know how I'm feeling and what my thoughts are. I shouldn't have underestimated her.
I was also nervous she'd react badly because it's not what she dreamed for me, because it's not 'normal' and because she was upset that this is something I'm planning on doing over here rather than back in England. I've thought long and hard about how to approach it - even telling my brother in the hope that he'd casually mentioned it to her...but he didn't, sensibly realising it was not his news to tell.
So the other morning on the way into work I called her - with no intention of actually telling her - but she started asking me about whether I'd met any interesting men lately and when I started telling her about how much fun I've been having and that I've adopting a very relaxed approach to dating it suddenly felt very right to fill her in on where this new laid back state of mind has come from - and joy of joys she sounded delighted! At first, I think she thought I was joking and joked herself about selecting one of the 'handsome' men I've met lately as the father. But then we talked about it in more detail and she really got it and agreed with me on nearly everything I said. I kept feeling like I had to argue my case only to have her say, "Darling, I totally agree with you."
When she said "So I could be grandmother to more than your brother's kittens?'"! I started welling up and told her that that was why I was telling her because I didn't want her to think I was just going to let the opportunity to be a mum pass me by. She totally agreed that being in a couple wasn't the be all and end all because you never know, you could end up on your own anyway (her and all of her close friends are now single in their 50s and 60s and two of them brought up their kids pretty much single handed). I also reassured her that I hadn't given up on meeting someone, but that meeting someone in the right time frame was becoming less and less likely and that turning 38 had woken me up to that reality.
I think it really helped that I told her now, when I've fully prepared myself and have obviously thought things through because I felt confident and sounded sure of myself. I let her know where I'm up to in the process and she sounded please when she told me I was being very inventive and practical. She's probably just hugely relieved that I'm doing something! She even asked about childcare over here and how I'd cope financially and suggested I sell my flat in London - so she's already thinking ahead. A good sign.
It's a massive weight off my mind, and I feel really really lucky to have her support - it's renewed my enthusiasm for moving forward. After years of avoiding this subject, of worrying about letting her down and feeling like a failure it is such a relief to have finally been honest and let her know how I'm feeling and what my thoughts are. I shouldn't have underestimated her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
