Stop the rollercoaster, I want to get off!

I wish I'd carried on writing on here over the last couple of weeks because it's been quite a ride. My emotions have been all over the place, but finally over the last week or so I've arrived at a better place. I've learnt quite a bit about myself in the process.

Two weeks ago, after a few tumultuous weeks I was having major fears about the reality of being a single mother. I voiced my worries to a couple of friends and on both occasions ended up shedding tears, mourning the dream I've always had of meeting the man I'm meant to be with and having kids together. I felt unbelievably sad.

The reality of coping with a child on my own has really hit me. I felt terrified by the fact that when it comes down to it, no matter how much support I get, the buck stops with me - there will be no-one else whose responsibility it is to help me care for my child. I see my friends with their kids and when they are at the end of their tether or things go wrong they have their husband there to help them or to take the pressure off (though admittedly sometimes the husbands add to the pressure!). I'm scared that I'm going to feel really alone and that there will be a limit to how much I can ask my friends to help me. At the end of the day they all have their own lives/kids/issues to take care off - no-one else will have a duty to help me or my child.

This coincided rather unfortunately with my ex-boyfriend momentarily making an appearance in my life (why can't he just not exist anymore!?) to ask me if I was 'cool' with him bringing his new (model - just to add insult to injury) girlfriend to a lunch our group of friends had organised. I most definitely was not cool with it but at first I thought I'd better be diplomatic and just accept it.

However I slept on it before I responded to him and I woke up the next morning with the overwhelming sense that I needed to be honest and tell him the truth. So I did. I sent him a very straight-forward email explaining that I wasn't cool with it - that I didn't think it was the appropriate occassion to bring her along to as it was an intimate lunch for close friends and it would be extremely awkward for all concerned.

He kept texting saying he wanted to talk to me and I really didn't want to - I didn't want to let him have any more opportunity to upset me than he already has. So I text him saying I'd told him what I thought and didn't want to make an issue out of it so there really wasn't anything else to discuss. Then I freaked out.

The thought of seeing him with his new happy girlfriend while I'm contemplating having a child on my own because things didn't work out with him, or with any other man I've been with, was just crushing. Ironically if he hadn't called me I would have gone into the lunch dreading it but thinking it was just something I had to do, but having been given the opportunity to object I was suddenly overwhelmed by how unfair it was that I was on my own while he - the one who cheated, lied and deceived - has met someone. I decided not to go to the lunch. Why punish myself? I couldn't stop crying.

However a day or so later I'd calmed down. I realised that this was an obstacle I was going to overcome at some point so I may as well get it over and done with so that I didn't have to go through the same ordeal and anticipation at a later date. So I went. But guess what? He didn't. He bailed, and although I felt a little bad for those amongst my friends who I know would have liked him to be there - the overriding feeling has been one of immense relief. Not just because he wasn't there and I didn't have to sit across the table from him and her, whatever she is like, but more relief in the very deepest sense has washed over me because I've finally stood up for myself. I've finally stopped playing the diplomatic card and laid my true hand on the table. I'd had enough of worrying about what everyone else thinks, what he thinks and was only concerned with what was good for me - and it feels fucking good. Why do I need to tolerate someone who treated me with such disdain and disregard? Why the fuck shouldn't I spit the dummy for once? Why should I always have to be the nice, reasonable one?

Actually to be honest I think this is the first reasonable thing I've done since we broke up. I've always been so afraid to express unpleasant feelings incase people don't like me because of it, but sometimes being hurt and angry and showing it is the only reasonable reaction - and it feels good!

The proof of how beneficial this one act of selfish act of defiance has been is in how positive and relaxed I've been feeling since. Gone are the overwhelming fears and sadness, gone is the mourning for the past, and - touch wood - gone are the endless sleepless nights. I've spent the last six months stressed out and barely sleeping. It's been unbearable. It's as if my mind was telling me it wasn't going to rest until I'd had my say - and now it's done. A switch has flicked in my head and I'm finally free, free of the niggling annoyance, frustration and bitterness that I'd let someone so unworthy walk all over me. Free of the pain, hurt and crushing disappointment that has dominated this whole year.

I am ready to begin again. Refreshed, renewed, reinvigorated and resolved.

A plan is coming together...

It's been nearly a week since my appointment with the fertility specialist and I should have updated this sooner, but time has run away with me. Busy at work. Busy at the weekend.

Overall the appointment was a rather an anti-climax. It was all rather straight forward and uneventful. Dr L was very pleasant and positive about my chances but very much focussed on the medical facts and not at all interested in what had made me decide to do this or what the emotions involved were. She's doing what I need her do - focussing on what chance I have of getting pregnant.

She said I had a good chance of conceiving with intrauterine insemination (IUI) and that is how she'd suggest beginning, however it could take several goes for it to work. She said some women get impatient once one IUI doesn't work and then want to go straight to IVF which at my age has a 40% chance of working, but I want to avoid the invasiveness of IVF if I can. It seems wrong to do that when I don't have any fertility problems. My age is not an issue as yet it seems, though she said I'm on the cusp of it becoming so. I wonder how they tell when you've crossed that crucial tipping point? It could make all the difference.

There was no sign of dildo-cam. She took a pap smear, but other than that there were no tests - she didn't even do an internal examination. She's given me referrals for blood tests and ultrasounds which I have at various stages of my cycle - first set of blood tests between day two and five, ultrasounds between day five and 10, and then another blood test on day 21 - to get an idea of what my hormones are doing, my ovarian reserve and to ensure my fallopian tubes are not blocked. In order to save me some money Dr L suggested I wait until January to have them done so that they contribute to the Medicare Safety Net, and although I'd love to just rush on it makes sense to wait. If I can find a way to save myself some money then I should as this whole exercise is going to cost a FORTUNE.

So I now have a plan. As soon as I get my period in January (around the 22nd I think) I'll start having the tests, and then all being well I'll start trying to conceive during the cycle that starts in February. That all depends on the clinic resolving the issues around imported sperm and the new NSW laws that come into effect on 1 January 2010. Dr L still wasn't sure what the changes are going to mean for her clinic so I'll keep and eye on their website and/or give them a call in a few weeks time.

However it feels good to know I have plan and something definite to aim at. Roll on January.

Calming my concerns

My appointment is only two days away now and after a period of doubts and worries last week I feel calm about it again. Nothing major is going to happen at this appointment, it's just an initial chat and check-up. I've been warned about something the other ladies call dildo-cam - a dildo shaped camera that is put inside you to have a good look at the uterus and ovaries. How it sees them through the cervix I really don't know? I guess I'll find out. Not looking forward to that, but I guess it can't be any worse than a PAP smear - which also happens during the appointment, though there's a risk AF will have arrived in which case they'll leave that until another time. Doesn't stop them wielding dildo-cam though. I guess they've seen worse!

My doubts focussed around two concerns I have. Firstly, one thing I love about my friend's children is how they are a miniature combination their parents looks and sometimes personalities - there are things about them that are immediately recognisable as coming from either their mum or dad. My child won't have that. I'm worried that I'll look at them and not recognise them, that I won't see me or my family I'll just see someone I don't know. I'd like to look at my child and see the man I love, not some stranger looking back at me.

Secondly, in the last couple of weeks I've seen and heard about both V & S struggling with their kids. S had a terrible day where her four month old screamed all day and in the end she lost it and had to call her husband and get him to come home. I've also seen her trying to deal with her toddler's tantrums and wondered how on earth she copes with it day after day. Then the other night V got home from an evening out to find her 18 month old having a major tantrum that her husband couldn't get under control and she was up until 2am trying to get her little one to sleep. They struggled to cope and there was two of them! I know that I'd have help from my friends but there will be times where I'm really on my own - in the middle of the night when perhaps the baby falls ill or I can't settle him or her - and how will I cope then? I will have no-one else right there to help me, no-one else whose responsibility it is to care for my child as well. That frightens me.

However, I'll cope. I've taken a long hard look at myself and I know I have the resources to cope with both of these concerns. It will be tough at time but I will have help and because they know I'm on my own I think some of my friends will be there for me more than they may have been for those who have done it as a couple. The ladies on the SMC site have said I'll be amazed by the help I'll receive that I never would have expected.

It's hard to imagine now but rationally I know that my child will be my child and I'll love it no matter whether it looks like me or my family. What every child looks like is a game of genetic roulette, and their personality is a unpredictable combination of nature and nuture. I could have a child with someone I love and he or she could end up looking like neither of us. The child I have will be the child I'm meant to have.

So, roll on Thursday. I'm ready for this, I really am.

All booked in.

I picked up the phone today and booked my fertility specialist appointment. Another step taken, another conversation I never imagined having. The receptionist at the clinic asked me if I have a partner. "No, I don't," I said, fearing a tone of judgement in her response. But she coolly went on to explain that as of 1 January the law around donor sperm is changing which means that imported sperm from the states might not be available. My heart sank. Then she went on to say that they are confident of finding a way around it and therefore are still booking women in for 'work-ups'.

Thursday, 19th November at 8.15am. K has offered to come with me. Counting down the days. 10 days to research, research, research so I can go in armed with a list of questions.

It's just me, on my own.

So now I've talked about my plans to my closest friends here - K, V & S - the friends whose support I'm really going to need once and if this all starts happening. I had dinner at one of their houses on Friday night - a take away pizza that I could barely eat because I was so nervous. They all knew that I had something to talk to them about but I just couldn't find the right opening to bring it up. Two of them have kids, and the other is newly pregnant with her first - so they know how tough it is to be a mum and I was concerned they might think I was being ridiculous if I thought I could do on my own what they have found tough even with a loving husband by their side.

"I'm looking into having a baby on my own," are the words that came out of my mouth.

It's out now and there's no taking it back. I'm not sure that telling them all was actually the right thing to do. It's not that they weren't supportive - well I knew K was and I'd already mentioned it in passing to S - but I feel under pressure. Pressure to go ahead with it? Pressure to do everything right? I'm not sure exactly, but I feel a bit silly and a bit sad. Sad that I don't have what they have, sad that maybe I never will. It's pressure of my own creation.

K and her husband recently announced their pregnancy at an afternoon get together with all our friends. Everyone cheered with happiness and  all the girls got a bit teary. Will they have the same reaction if it was me announcing it - just me, on my own? Will there be a stunned silence? Will I feel embarrassed, even a little ashamed?

These are issues I need to clarify in my head. On a more positive note, V said she thought it was a really exciting and positive thing to do and that she thought I was going about it the right way by finding out as much as I can and getting advice from people who have done it.

I feel confident that I'll be able to rely on them. But can I rely on myself?

Dr's referral - done!

So...I decided to bite the bullet and take the first step. I've had a longish-term issue with not sleeping well and after a sleepless weekend (exacerbated by unwelcome news about my ex) I booked an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday. Aside from my idiot of an ex one of the issues causing me alot of stress recently has been the fear that the right man might not come along in time for me to have kids of my own, so I decided to talk to him about how much this was upsetting me and that I am considering just getting on with it without a partner. I can't believe how nervous I was sitting in the waiting room! Voicing it to someone who doesn't know me felt like making it very real.

I don't know if I was expecting judgement or was afraid of seeing a look of pity in his eyes, but I was pleasantly surprised by how open to the idea he was, and how understanding. He reassured me that the highest birth rate in the country is amongst women in my age group, and that most of his patients my age get pregnant fairly quickly. He seemed slightly concerned at the idea of going it alone, but understood my need to feel that there was a 'Plan B', and that I wasn't totally out of control of my own life. He gave me a referral to a local fertility specialist who I know from the SMC group is affiliated with a clinic that imports donor sperm and is very sympathetic to single women. He assured me that this country is supportive of single mums if that's what I decide to do.

I know I wouldn't have got this far without the encouragement and 'normalising' influence of the women in the SMC group. What seemed like an 'out there' concept that only 'other people' did - other people who are braver, stronger and richer than me - now seems like a less daunting path to take.

So now for making the real appointments...

Staring down the barrel of infertility...

OK. I'm just about convinced. Before I take any action I want and need to have a couple of conversations with friends, friends who whose support I definitely need if I'm going to do this. I also need to talk to my mum as well. I can't do this without her support. I know if I was in England she'd support me every step of the way and do what she could to help me out with money - but she may not be so keen because I live on the other side of the world now.

And so far as Mr Right is concerned he's not here and probably won't be here in time to have kids with, so I've just got to get on with it. To a certain degree I sabotaged my last relationship because I was so anxious for things to hurry up and get to the marriage/babies stage. Without that ticking clock hanging over me I'll be far more relaxed about relationships and though it may be harder to actually meet someone as a single mum when I do I'll choose more wisely and be able to enjoy it more because I won't put pressure on it like I do now. It would actually be a huge relief to enjoy being with someone without that 'do you want to have kids with me!?!?!' question constantly being the elephant in the room.

I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of my 40th birthday...still being manless and childless then is not something I want to contemplate.

Stalling tactics

I've joined an online group for 'single mothers by choice'. I put the question I was considering in my last post to them and the reaction was immediate and unanimous - don't waste your time, that at my age time isn't on my side and that I should just get on with trying to have a baby on my own.

Apparently by your late thirties only one in four of your eggs are viable.

My god I really have been kidding myself haven't I? It's just so hard to grasp the reality of declining fertility if you haven't yet had to face up to it. And I would like to have more than one child though how on earth I'd afford to I don't know - I'm not how I'm even going to afford to attempt the first one.

A couple of the women on the site seem to have chosen to be single mums first and foremost whereas I really really would rather not be. I don't feel like I would be choosing to be a single mum I feel like it's being forced one me because it's the only way for me to become a mum at all. I want what most of my friends have - a man who loves me and wants to have kids with me - not that that always works out perfectly. However I guess to a degree I'm still sticking my head in the sand looking for ways to hang on to that dream.

My other problem is money. I have no savings (I've just spent most of it on new furniture etc as I've only just settled permanently in Australia), and I'm just about to take out a loan from my work to pay for my permanent residency application. So the time I need is also the time to save some money or maybe sell my flat in London so that I have some capital behind me to pay for treatment and to help support me once I do have a child - if I am lucky enough to have one.

I think I'll be making an appointment with my doctor very soon. I can set the wheels in motion and see how things go...

Testing times

I've talked about having a baby on my own to a couple of friends - other single women who I knew probably had had thoughts along these lines themselves. It would seem, so far, that I'm not the only one worried that while I'm waiting for Mr Right my ovaries are slowly shrivelling.

I was talked to a friend a couple of weeks ago about how upset I was to still find myself single at nearly 38 because I really want to have kids and don't know how much longer I can wait for Mr Right to come along. She mentioned that because she's had some gynaecological problems in the past she's going to a clinic for full testing so that she can gage how urgently she needs to consider the baby issue. She's also single, though a few years younger than me. She suggested I do the same if I'm worried about my fertile years running out. Her reasoning was that at least it would either give me some peace of mind that I've got a bit more time or give me the kick up the arse I need to realise that I really can't wait any longer.

She said the clinic she goes to offers this kind of testing for around $250 - and if you're referred by your doctor medicare will refund $80.

I'm wondering if this is something doing, or is just another way to stall making a decision?

Grieving the dream

I've been ready to have kids for the last 10 years. Between the ages of 27 and 30 I was with a guy I thought I was going to marry, but he dragged his heels, he wouldn't commit and eventually I gave up waiting and left him. Since then I've only had two serious-ish relationships and it's become harder and harder to ignore that ticking clock. It has become deafening. That ticking time bomb hanging over me is making it impossible for me to just relax and enjoy a relationship. Four or five years ago I still felt like I had time - now it feels like it's running out fast.

However it's still fucking hard to let go of that dream of meeting a guy who is my best friend, who loves me and want to have children with me. I can't quite believe that this is the position I find myself in and giving up on the dream feels like admitting defeat, however the stark reality is that there's plenty of time to meet a partner, but my window for having children is getting smaller by the day.

I've had a pretty difficult year - the dream was so close and then was snatched away from me at the last minute. That has made me face the fact that my timetable is different to that of most of the men I meet - who despite being in their mid-thirties still don't seem to be emotionally mature enough to want a family - and that perhaps I need to stop being at their mercy and take back the power I keep handing over to them, and just do what is right for me.

So much thinking to do...

Waking up to reality

I turn 38 in just over a month's time. I am single and childless. I've been looking for the right man for 20 years. I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of being at the mercy of meeting the right man. The time has come to start seriously thinking about my options, so here I am writing this blog. I'm struggling to face the fact that my life has not worked out as I hoped. I keep hoping the right man is going to come along but after many disappointments I've realised that maybe parenthood is a journey I'll have to take on my own if I want to take it at all. But i'm full of doubts and fears - the largest of which is reluctance to admit defeat, not wanting to resign myself to doing this alone. How would I cope both emotionally, physically and financially? I am on the other side of the world from my family so I have to think about where I would live, and how I would support myself.

I'm really hoping that sharing some of my thoughts will help me decide what to do for the best. What I do know is that having children is really important to me, it is what would make me feel that my life has been worthwhile - I don't want to miss out on such a great gift, but am full of trepidation about where this journey might take me.

I'm footloose and fertile - but for how much longer?

Thank you for reading.