A plan is coming together...

It's been nearly a week since my appointment with the fertility specialist and I should have updated this sooner, but time has run away with me. Busy at work. Busy at the weekend.

Overall the appointment was a rather an anti-climax. It was all rather straight forward and uneventful. Dr L was very pleasant and positive about my chances but very much focussed on the medical facts and not at all interested in what had made me decide to do this or what the emotions involved were. She's doing what I need her do - focussing on what chance I have of getting pregnant.

She said I had a good chance of conceiving with intrauterine insemination (IUI) and that is how she'd suggest beginning, however it could take several goes for it to work. She said some women get impatient once one IUI doesn't work and then want to go straight to IVF which at my age has a 40% chance of working, but I want to avoid the invasiveness of IVF if I can. It seems wrong to do that when I don't have any fertility problems. My age is not an issue as yet it seems, though she said I'm on the cusp of it becoming so. I wonder how they tell when you've crossed that crucial tipping point? It could make all the difference.

There was no sign of dildo-cam. She took a pap smear, but other than that there were no tests - she didn't even do an internal examination. She's given me referrals for blood tests and ultrasounds which I have at various stages of my cycle - first set of blood tests between day two and five, ultrasounds between day five and 10, and then another blood test on day 21 - to get an idea of what my hormones are doing, my ovarian reserve and to ensure my fallopian tubes are not blocked. In order to save me some money Dr L suggested I wait until January to have them done so that they contribute to the Medicare Safety Net, and although I'd love to just rush on it makes sense to wait. If I can find a way to save myself some money then I should as this whole exercise is going to cost a FORTUNE.

So I now have a plan. As soon as I get my period in January (around the 22nd I think) I'll start having the tests, and then all being well I'll start trying to conceive during the cycle that starts in February. That all depends on the clinic resolving the issues around imported sperm and the new NSW laws that come into effect on 1 January 2010. Dr L still wasn't sure what the changes are going to mean for her clinic so I'll keep and eye on their website and/or give them a call in a few weeks time.

However it feels good to know I have plan and something definite to aim at. Roll on January.

Calming my concerns

My appointment is only two days away now and after a period of doubts and worries last week I feel calm about it again. Nothing major is going to happen at this appointment, it's just an initial chat and check-up. I've been warned about something the other ladies call dildo-cam - a dildo shaped camera that is put inside you to have a good look at the uterus and ovaries. How it sees them through the cervix I really don't know? I guess I'll find out. Not looking forward to that, but I guess it can't be any worse than a PAP smear - which also happens during the appointment, though there's a risk AF will have arrived in which case they'll leave that until another time. Doesn't stop them wielding dildo-cam though. I guess they've seen worse!

My doubts focussed around two concerns I have. Firstly, one thing I love about my friend's children is how they are a miniature combination their parents looks and sometimes personalities - there are things about them that are immediately recognisable as coming from either their mum or dad. My child won't have that. I'm worried that I'll look at them and not recognise them, that I won't see me or my family I'll just see someone I don't know. I'd like to look at my child and see the man I love, not some stranger looking back at me.

Secondly, in the last couple of weeks I've seen and heard about both V & S struggling with their kids. S had a terrible day where her four month old screamed all day and in the end she lost it and had to call her husband and get him to come home. I've also seen her trying to deal with her toddler's tantrums and wondered how on earth she copes with it day after day. Then the other night V got home from an evening out to find her 18 month old having a major tantrum that her husband couldn't get under control and she was up until 2am trying to get her little one to sleep. They struggled to cope and there was two of them! I know that I'd have help from my friends but there will be times where I'm really on my own - in the middle of the night when perhaps the baby falls ill or I can't settle him or her - and how will I cope then? I will have no-one else right there to help me, no-one else whose responsibility it is to care for my child as well. That frightens me.

However, I'll cope. I've taken a long hard look at myself and I know I have the resources to cope with both of these concerns. It will be tough at time but I will have help and because they know I'm on my own I think some of my friends will be there for me more than they may have been for those who have done it as a couple. The ladies on the SMC site have said I'll be amazed by the help I'll receive that I never would have expected.

It's hard to imagine now but rationally I know that my child will be my child and I'll love it no matter whether it looks like me or my family. What every child looks like is a game of genetic roulette, and their personality is a unpredictable combination of nature and nuture. I could have a child with someone I love and he or she could end up looking like neither of us. The child I have will be the child I'm meant to have.

So, roll on Thursday. I'm ready for this, I really am.

All booked in.

I picked up the phone today and booked my fertility specialist appointment. Another step taken, another conversation I never imagined having. The receptionist at the clinic asked me if I have a partner. "No, I don't," I said, fearing a tone of judgement in her response. But she coolly went on to explain that as of 1 January the law around donor sperm is changing which means that imported sperm from the states might not be available. My heart sank. Then she went on to say that they are confident of finding a way around it and therefore are still booking women in for 'work-ups'.

Thursday, 19th November at 8.15am. K has offered to come with me. Counting down the days. 10 days to research, research, research so I can go in armed with a list of questions.