Calming my concerns

My appointment is only two days away now and after a period of doubts and worries last week I feel calm about it again. Nothing major is going to happen at this appointment, it's just an initial chat and check-up. I've been warned about something the other ladies call dildo-cam - a dildo shaped camera that is put inside you to have a good look at the uterus and ovaries. How it sees them through the cervix I really don't know? I guess I'll find out. Not looking forward to that, but I guess it can't be any worse than a PAP smear - which also happens during the appointment, though there's a risk AF will have arrived in which case they'll leave that until another time. Doesn't stop them wielding dildo-cam though. I guess they've seen worse!

My doubts focussed around two concerns I have. Firstly, one thing I love about my friend's children is how they are a miniature combination their parents looks and sometimes personalities - there are things about them that are immediately recognisable as coming from either their mum or dad. My child won't have that. I'm worried that I'll look at them and not recognise them, that I won't see me or my family I'll just see someone I don't know. I'd like to look at my child and see the man I love, not some stranger looking back at me.

Secondly, in the last couple of weeks I've seen and heard about both V & S struggling with their kids. S had a terrible day where her four month old screamed all day and in the end she lost it and had to call her husband and get him to come home. I've also seen her trying to deal with her toddler's tantrums and wondered how on earth she copes with it day after day. Then the other night V got home from an evening out to find her 18 month old having a major tantrum that her husband couldn't get under control and she was up until 2am trying to get her little one to sleep. They struggled to cope and there was two of them! I know that I'd have help from my friends but there will be times where I'm really on my own - in the middle of the night when perhaps the baby falls ill or I can't settle him or her - and how will I cope then? I will have no-one else right there to help me, no-one else whose responsibility it is to care for my child as well. That frightens me.

However, I'll cope. I've taken a long hard look at myself and I know I have the resources to cope with both of these concerns. It will be tough at time but I will have help and because they know I'm on my own I think some of my friends will be there for me more than they may have been for those who have done it as a couple. The ladies on the SMC site have said I'll be amazed by the help I'll receive that I never would have expected.

It's hard to imagine now but rationally I know that my child will be my child and I'll love it no matter whether it looks like me or my family. What every child looks like is a game of genetic roulette, and their personality is a unpredictable combination of nature and nuture. I could have a child with someone I love and he or she could end up looking like neither of us. The child I have will be the child I'm meant to have.

So, roll on Thursday. I'm ready for this, I really am.

It's just me, on my own.

So now I've talked about my plans to my closest friends here - K, V & S - the friends whose support I'm really going to need once and if this all starts happening. I had dinner at one of their houses on Friday night - a take away pizza that I could barely eat because I was so nervous. They all knew that I had something to talk to them about but I just couldn't find the right opening to bring it up. Two of them have kids, and the other is newly pregnant with her first - so they know how tough it is to be a mum and I was concerned they might think I was being ridiculous if I thought I could do on my own what they have found tough even with a loving husband by their side.

"I'm looking into having a baby on my own," are the words that came out of my mouth.

It's out now and there's no taking it back. I'm not sure that telling them all was actually the right thing to do. It's not that they weren't supportive - well I knew K was and I'd already mentioned it in passing to S - but I feel under pressure. Pressure to go ahead with it? Pressure to do everything right? I'm not sure exactly, but I feel a bit silly and a bit sad. Sad that I don't have what they have, sad that maybe I never will. It's pressure of my own creation.

K and her husband recently announced their pregnancy at an afternoon get together with all our friends. Everyone cheered with happiness and  all the girls got a bit teary. Will they have the same reaction if it was me announcing it - just me, on my own? Will there be a stunned silence? Will I feel embarrassed, even a little ashamed?

These are issues I need to clarify in my head. On a more positive note, V said she thought it was a really exciting and positive thing to do and that she thought I was going about it the right way by finding out as much as I can and getting advice from people who have done it.

I feel confident that I'll be able to rely on them. But can I rely on myself?

Dr's referral - done!

So...I decided to bite the bullet and take the first step. I've had a longish-term issue with not sleeping well and after a sleepless weekend (exacerbated by unwelcome news about my ex) I booked an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday. Aside from my idiot of an ex one of the issues causing me alot of stress recently has been the fear that the right man might not come along in time for me to have kids of my own, so I decided to talk to him about how much this was upsetting me and that I am considering just getting on with it without a partner. I can't believe how nervous I was sitting in the waiting room! Voicing it to someone who doesn't know me felt like making it very real.

I don't know if I was expecting judgement or was afraid of seeing a look of pity in his eyes, but I was pleasantly surprised by how open to the idea he was, and how understanding. He reassured me that the highest birth rate in the country is amongst women in my age group, and that most of his patients my age get pregnant fairly quickly. He seemed slightly concerned at the idea of going it alone, but understood my need to feel that there was a 'Plan B', and that I wasn't totally out of control of my own life. He gave me a referral to a local fertility specialist who I know from the SMC group is affiliated with a clinic that imports donor sperm and is very sympathetic to single women. He assured me that this country is supportive of single mums if that's what I decide to do.

I know I wouldn't have got this far without the encouragement and 'normalising' influence of the women in the SMC group. What seemed like an 'out there' concept that only 'other people' did - other people who are braver, stronger and richer than me - now seems like a less daunting path to take.

So now for making the real appointments...

Staring down the barrel of infertility...

OK. I'm just about convinced. Before I take any action I want and need to have a couple of conversations with friends, friends who whose support I definitely need if I'm going to do this. I also need to talk to my mum as well. I can't do this without her support. I know if I was in England she'd support me every step of the way and do what she could to help me out with money - but she may not be so keen because I live on the other side of the world now.

And so far as Mr Right is concerned he's not here and probably won't be here in time to have kids with, so I've just got to get on with it. To a certain degree I sabotaged my last relationship because I was so anxious for things to hurry up and get to the marriage/babies stage. Without that ticking clock hanging over me I'll be far more relaxed about relationships and though it may be harder to actually meet someone as a single mum when I do I'll choose more wisely and be able to enjoy it more because I won't put pressure on it like I do now. It would actually be a huge relief to enjoy being with someone without that 'do you want to have kids with me!?!?!' question constantly being the elephant in the room.

I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of my 40th birthday...still being manless and childless then is not something I want to contemplate.

Stalling tactics

I've joined an online group for 'single mothers by choice'. I put the question I was considering in my last post to them and the reaction was immediate and unanimous - don't waste your time, that at my age time isn't on my side and that I should just get on with trying to have a baby on my own.

Apparently by your late thirties only one in four of your eggs are viable.

My god I really have been kidding myself haven't I? It's just so hard to grasp the reality of declining fertility if you haven't yet had to face up to it. And I would like to have more than one child though how on earth I'd afford to I don't know - I'm not how I'm even going to afford to attempt the first one.

A couple of the women on the site seem to have chosen to be single mums first and foremost whereas I really really would rather not be. I don't feel like I would be choosing to be a single mum I feel like it's being forced one me because it's the only way for me to become a mum at all. I want what most of my friends have - a man who loves me and wants to have kids with me - not that that always works out perfectly. However I guess to a degree I'm still sticking my head in the sand looking for ways to hang on to that dream.

My other problem is money. I have no savings (I've just spent most of it on new furniture etc as I've only just settled permanently in Australia), and I'm just about to take out a loan from my work to pay for my permanent residency application. So the time I need is also the time to save some money or maybe sell my flat in London so that I have some capital behind me to pay for treatment and to help support me once I do have a child - if I am lucky enough to have one.

I think I'll be making an appointment with my doctor very soon. I can set the wheels in motion and see how things go...