Dr's referral - done!

So...I decided to bite the bullet and take the first step. I've had a longish-term issue with not sleeping well and after a sleepless weekend (exacerbated by unwelcome news about my ex) I booked an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday. Aside from my idiot of an ex one of the issues causing me alot of stress recently has been the fear that the right man might not come along in time for me to have kids of my own, so I decided to talk to him about how much this was upsetting me and that I am considering just getting on with it without a partner. I can't believe how nervous I was sitting in the waiting room! Voicing it to someone who doesn't know me felt like making it very real.

I don't know if I was expecting judgement or was afraid of seeing a look of pity in his eyes, but I was pleasantly surprised by how open to the idea he was, and how understanding. He reassured me that the highest birth rate in the country is amongst women in my age group, and that most of his patients my age get pregnant fairly quickly. He seemed slightly concerned at the idea of going it alone, but understood my need to feel that there was a 'Plan B', and that I wasn't totally out of control of my own life. He gave me a referral to a local fertility specialist who I know from the SMC group is affiliated with a clinic that imports donor sperm and is very sympathetic to single women. He assured me that this country is supportive of single mums if that's what I decide to do.

I know I wouldn't have got this far without the encouragement and 'normalising' influence of the women in the SMC group. What seemed like an 'out there' concept that only 'other people' did - other people who are braver, stronger and richer than me - now seems like a less daunting path to take.

So now for making the real appointments...

Staring down the barrel of infertility...

OK. I'm just about convinced. Before I take any action I want and need to have a couple of conversations with friends, friends who whose support I definitely need if I'm going to do this. I also need to talk to my mum as well. I can't do this without her support. I know if I was in England she'd support me every step of the way and do what she could to help me out with money - but she may not be so keen because I live on the other side of the world now.

And so far as Mr Right is concerned he's not here and probably won't be here in time to have kids with, so I've just got to get on with it. To a certain degree I sabotaged my last relationship because I was so anxious for things to hurry up and get to the marriage/babies stage. Without that ticking clock hanging over me I'll be far more relaxed about relationships and though it may be harder to actually meet someone as a single mum when I do I'll choose more wisely and be able to enjoy it more because I won't put pressure on it like I do now. It would actually be a huge relief to enjoy being with someone without that 'do you want to have kids with me!?!?!' question constantly being the elephant in the room.

I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of my 40th birthday...still being manless and childless then is not something I want to contemplate.

Testing times

I've talked about having a baby on my own to a couple of friends - other single women who I knew probably had had thoughts along these lines themselves. It would seem, so far, that I'm not the only one worried that while I'm waiting for Mr Right my ovaries are slowly shrivelling.

I was talked to a friend a couple of weeks ago about how upset I was to still find myself single at nearly 38 because I really want to have kids and don't know how much longer I can wait for Mr Right to come along. She mentioned that because she's had some gynaecological problems in the past she's going to a clinic for full testing so that she can gage how urgently she needs to consider the baby issue. She's also single, though a few years younger than me. She suggested I do the same if I'm worried about my fertile years running out. Her reasoning was that at least it would either give me some peace of mind that I've got a bit more time or give me the kick up the arse I need to realise that I really can't wait any longer.

She said the clinic she goes to offers this kind of testing for around $250 - and if you're referred by your doctor medicare will refund $80.

I'm wondering if this is something doing, or is just another way to stall making a decision?

Grieving the dream

I've been ready to have kids for the last 10 years. Between the ages of 27 and 30 I was with a guy I thought I was going to marry, but he dragged his heels, he wouldn't commit and eventually I gave up waiting and left him. Since then I've only had two serious-ish relationships and it's become harder and harder to ignore that ticking clock. It has become deafening. That ticking time bomb hanging over me is making it impossible for me to just relax and enjoy a relationship. Four or five years ago I still felt like I had time - now it feels like it's running out fast.

However it's still fucking hard to let go of that dream of meeting a guy who is my best friend, who loves me and want to have children with me. I can't quite believe that this is the position I find myself in and giving up on the dream feels like admitting defeat, however the stark reality is that there's plenty of time to meet a partner, but my window for having children is getting smaller by the day.

I've had a pretty difficult year - the dream was so close and then was snatched away from me at the last minute. That has made me face the fact that my timetable is different to that of most of the men I meet - who despite being in their mid-thirties still don't seem to be emotionally mature enough to want a family - and that perhaps I need to stop being at their mercy and take back the power I keep handing over to them, and just do what is right for me.

So much thinking to do...