Grieving the dream

I've been ready to have kids for the last 10 years. Between the ages of 27 and 30 I was with a guy I thought I was going to marry, but he dragged his heels, he wouldn't commit and eventually I gave up waiting and left him. Since then I've only had two serious-ish relationships and it's become harder and harder to ignore that ticking clock. It has become deafening. That ticking time bomb hanging over me is making it impossible for me to just relax and enjoy a relationship. Four or five years ago I still felt like I had time - now it feels like it's running out fast.

However it's still fucking hard to let go of that dream of meeting a guy who is my best friend, who loves me and want to have children with me. I can't quite believe that this is the position I find myself in and giving up on the dream feels like admitting defeat, however the stark reality is that there's plenty of time to meet a partner, but my window for having children is getting smaller by the day.

I've had a pretty difficult year - the dream was so close and then was snatched away from me at the last minute. That has made me face the fact that my timetable is different to that of most of the men I meet - who despite being in their mid-thirties still don't seem to be emotionally mature enough to want a family - and that perhaps I need to stop being at their mercy and take back the power I keep handing over to them, and just do what is right for me.

So much thinking to do...