It's just me, on my own.

So now I've talked about my plans to my closest friends here - K, V & S - the friends whose support I'm really going to need once and if this all starts happening. I had dinner at one of their houses on Friday night - a take away pizza that I could barely eat because I was so nervous. They all knew that I had something to talk to them about but I just couldn't find the right opening to bring it up. Two of them have kids, and the other is newly pregnant with her first - so they know how tough it is to be a mum and I was concerned they might think I was being ridiculous if I thought I could do on my own what they have found tough even with a loving husband by their side.

"I'm looking into having a baby on my own," are the words that came out of my mouth.

It's out now and there's no taking it back. I'm not sure that telling them all was actually the right thing to do. It's not that they weren't supportive - well I knew K was and I'd already mentioned it in passing to S - but I feel under pressure. Pressure to go ahead with it? Pressure to do everything right? I'm not sure exactly, but I feel a bit silly and a bit sad. Sad that I don't have what they have, sad that maybe I never will. It's pressure of my own creation.

K and her husband recently announced their pregnancy at an afternoon get together with all our friends. Everyone cheered with happiness and  all the girls got a bit teary. Will they have the same reaction if it was me announcing it - just me, on my own? Will there be a stunned silence? Will I feel embarrassed, even a little ashamed?

These are issues I need to clarify in my head. On a more positive note, V said she thought it was a really exciting and positive thing to do and that she thought I was going about it the right way by finding out as much as I can and getting advice from people who have done it.

I feel confident that I'll be able to rely on them. But can I rely on myself?