Crunch time.

My egg pick-up is tomorrow. I can't quite believe I've made it this far. Time seemed to be dragging past and now suddenly I'm at the pointy end of my first IVF cycle. When I look back on this past year the journey to this point has been a long, complex and convoluted one - with many backwards steps and a few giant leaps. Now, here I am and I feel I need to give myself some credit for getting here.

This week was tough but the days ahead are going to be more so. Once those eggs are out of my body they are in the hands of the lab technicians whose task is to fertilise them, and grow the resulting embryos until one or two of them are put back into my body in three days time. Nerve. Wracking.

I was shaking with nerves on Wednesday as I sat down on the examination chair for my ultrasound. After being told I needed an extra drug, Luveris, on Monday because my LH levels were too low I had started to fear the worse - that my ovaries just weren't responding to the drugs. Thankfully I was wrong. Dildo-cam showed up eight follicles on the right ovary - and either three or five on the left. The relief I felt was enormous. To have gone through all this effort and expense to find my response had been minimal would have been crushing. But with 11, maybe 13, follicles I stand a good chance of getting enough embryos to freeze.

There are, however, no guarantees. Those follicles may not all contain eggs, in fact they probably won't. When the lab get their hands on the eggs they may find that some aren't up to the job, and then a proportion of those may not fertilise. Those that do have to make it until day three, when one or two will be selected for transfer. So as you can see, there's a long way to go yet.

However, after feeling so negative at the start of week the ultrasound gave me good cause to start feeling hopeful - hopeful that maybe my ideal scenario will actually become reality. If I can achieve a healthy pregnancy and embryos for the freezer to keep for the future, all of this stress, worry and money will have been more than worth it.

Thankfully the donor choice was simpler this time around. From the clinic list of around 20 I had narrowed it down to four or five and with my friend C's help chose the top three. I've ended up with my second choice, but was totally OK with that because I'd had a funny feeling all along that he would be who I ended up using. I can't tell you why, but it was an instinctive recognition. He wasn't the best looking - his adult picture is slightly dodgy and he's wearing an awful mustard polo-shirt - but I felt a resonance with everything else about him. He had given really considered answers to the questions asked and is obviously a educated, well-travelled and insightful individual. An added bonus (I think!) is that according to the Donor Sibling Registry he already has six offspring. So his swimmers are tried and tested. Some might find this off-putting I like the idea of my child having half-siblings around the world. Especially if I don't end up having more than one child, at least they will know they have other blood relations and can choose whether or not they wish to know them.

So, I sit here full of hope for what the next fews days will bring. By the end of the week I will, all being well, have one of my embryos growing inside me. No matter what happens I will always be proud that through my own tenacity and determination I have reached this point and given myself the best chance possible of creating my own little family. The rest is up to mother nature (and the Fertility First lab technicians!).

Until next time...