It's now or never - and never is not an option

So I've taken some time out. I've spent some time not thinking about having a baby. I've chilled out, I've had fun, I've been on holiday and talked to my friends and family. Now I'm back.

For a long while I had lots of uncertainty about moving foward and I've been waiting for the day when it felt like the right thing to do. That day appears to have arrived. I have put behind me the feelings I had that taking the single mother option was admitting defeat or that it meant I’d failed in life somehow. I’ll always be sad that the right person to have kids with hasn't come along yet but I just have to be realistic and admit that he hasn’t come into my life in the last 20 years so frankly he’s unlikely to put in an appearance in the next six to 12 months. Even if he did it would be a while before we knew each other well enough to have kids, and meanwhile my chances of being able to conceive will have plummeted.

I’ve revisited at all the statistics about fertility at my age and the harsh reality is it is far better that I start now so that if the right man NEVER comes along at least I’ve got a good chance of having a little person to share my life with.

I've been feeling really dissatisfied with work and knew that something had to change in my life - it's time for a big shift in some way or another. I thought about changing jobs but knew that no matter how great a role I find it would only keep me distracted from the real gap in my life for the the six months or so it is new and interesting.

A close friend suggest I write down all the pros and cons of all the options in front of me. I did just that. Staying in my current role - better the devil you know - and getting on with trying to conceive was by far the best option particularly when it comes to financial stability and of course fertility.

At the same time I had chat with a couple of other friends who told me that as mums, or mums-to-be, they felt a primal awareness that it was them and their child against the world and that if they had to cope on their own they would. I was really moved by their honesty.

I came to the conclusion that, as for everyone who embarks on parenthood, there will ALWAYS be a reason not to do it, so if I want to do it I should just get on with it while my chances of success are greater.

I also took a long hard look at my financial situation and all the benefits I’ll be entitled to and was pleasantly surprised to find I’ll get more than I at first thought because as a single parent I’d qualify for the parenting payment even though I won’t have been a permanent resident of this country for two years. That reassured me quite a bit that I could cope financially.

SOOOOOO!!!!.... I got my period last week and called the clinic to get started! I went in last week to collect drugs etc (I’m just doing IUI so it’s not fully medicated but they do give you a trigger shot which helps time the release of the egg more accurately, and another drug for after the IUI which helps your body release the right levels of hormones to support a pregnancy) and have to go back tomorrow morning for a scan and blood test so they can see how close to ovulating I am. Then they’ll be able to work out when I should do the trigger shot and schedule the IUI! – early to mid-next week I think.

Obviously the tricky part is choosing the donor! I’ve been given a list of donors to choose my top three from – and have looked at full profiles of each of them on the US sperm bank website. I knew that time spent surfing internet dating profiles had served some purpose! It was practice for this! Haha!

I started with a list of criteria - but to some degree that’s gone out the window since I’ve seen pictures and read the little essays each donor has written. I want someone who is similar colouring to me so that my child has a better chance of looking like me BUT my number one choice doesn’t quite match that – he’s got lighter brown hair, hazel/green eyes - though he matches all my other criteria – intelligent, sporty, healthy, previous pregnancies, seems like a decent person who would be nice to my child if they ever met, and is someone I think I’d be attracted to if I met them. The other donor I REALLY like is African-American! I wish I hadn’t seen his profile because he is HOT! And has the best health record, is intelligent and a very sporty (a quality that seems to be very important to me!) However I have ruled him out – or he’ll be my 3rd choice - because while I'd be happy to have a mixed-race child, and he or she would be sooo cute, the reality is that being donor conceived is enough of a challenge with regard to having limited knowledge about your genetic heritage, let alone being mixed race in a white family with no-one else of the same skin colour to relate to as well. I am very olive skinned, but I am clearly caucasian. At least if my child looks like me they’ll be less questions asked of me and of them about who their father is or are they adopted etc etc? My friend whose husband is Sri Lankan, is very fair, and says she gets people thinking that their son isn’t her child (when I’m with her people sometimes think both her kids are mine!) but at least she’s with her husband so people can see where the kids get their skin colour from. However if you’re on your own it just opens you up to having to explain too much and down the line means the child is going to be more aware of what is missing from their life. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway! If any of you reading this saw the guy you’d understand the dilemma.

Anyway, the list could have changed by the time my IUI is done so I’m trying not to get too attached to the idea of any of the donors in particular. It's such a bizarre way to go about having a child! I was looking at one of the donors profiles the other day and thinking ‘oh my god, I could have your child in the not too distant future’ – how surreal is that!?

But overall I’m feeling really confident and positive about moving forward. Given my history I’m quietly confident about my chances of success but realise it could take a few tries to work, and maybe IVF will be necessary further down the line (and when I can afford it!). I’m just going to take it as it comes.

It’s a HUGE step I know but it’s something I have to do or I could end up really regretting it. It feels like it's now or never - and never is not an option.

Yes, doing this is for life – this will be mine and my child’s story for life – but the alternative would be far harder to deal with. I CANNOT be the single, childless woman full of regrets and bitterness because life somehow passed me by. Sure, this may not work out, maybe having my own children isn’t meant to be, but at least I will have tried and I can then move on with my life and make other plans knowing that I took some control of my life and gave it my best shot.