Crunch time.

My egg pick-up is tomorrow. I can't quite believe I've made it this far. Time seemed to be dragging past and now suddenly I'm at the pointy end of my first IVF cycle. When I look back on this past year the journey to this point has been a long, complex and convoluted one - with many backwards steps and a few giant leaps. Now, here I am and I feel I need to give myself some credit for getting here.

This week was tough but the days ahead are going to be more so. Once those eggs are out of my body they are in the hands of the lab technicians whose task is to fertilise them, and grow the resulting embryos until one or two of them are put back into my body in three days time. Nerve. Wracking.

I was shaking with nerves on Wednesday as I sat down on the examination chair for my ultrasound. After being told I needed an extra drug, Luveris, on Monday because my LH levels were too low I had started to fear the worse - that my ovaries just weren't responding to the drugs. Thankfully I was wrong. Dildo-cam showed up eight follicles on the right ovary - and either three or five on the left. The relief I felt was enormous. To have gone through all this effort and expense to find my response had been minimal would have been crushing. But with 11, maybe 13, follicles I stand a good chance of getting enough embryos to freeze.

There are, however, no guarantees. Those follicles may not all contain eggs, in fact they probably won't. When the lab get their hands on the eggs they may find that some aren't up to the job, and then a proportion of those may not fertilise. Those that do have to make it until day three, when one or two will be selected for transfer. So as you can see, there's a long way to go yet.

However, after feeling so negative at the start of week the ultrasound gave me good cause to start feeling hopeful - hopeful that maybe my ideal scenario will actually become reality. If I can achieve a healthy pregnancy and embryos for the freezer to keep for the future, all of this stress, worry and money will have been more than worth it.

Thankfully the donor choice was simpler this time around. From the clinic list of around 20 I had narrowed it down to four or five and with my friend C's help chose the top three. I've ended up with my second choice, but was totally OK with that because I'd had a funny feeling all along that he would be who I ended up using. I can't tell you why, but it was an instinctive recognition. He wasn't the best looking - his adult picture is slightly dodgy and he's wearing an awful mustard polo-shirt - but I felt a resonance with everything else about him. He had given really considered answers to the questions asked and is obviously a educated, well-travelled and insightful individual. An added bonus (I think!) is that according to the Donor Sibling Registry he already has six offspring. So his swimmers are tried and tested. Some might find this off-putting I like the idea of my child having half-siblings around the world. Especially if I don't end up having more than one child, at least they will know they have other blood relations and can choose whether or not they wish to know them.

So, I sit here full of hope for what the next fews days will bring. By the end of the week I will, all being well, have one of my embryos growing inside me. No matter what happens I will always be proud that through my own tenacity and determination I have reached this point and given myself the best chance possible of creating my own little family. The rest is up to mother nature (and the Fertility First lab technicians!).

Until next time...

Getting there - one needle at a time

My evening shoot 'em up ritual

The full on injecting stage has begun. Two injections each evening - one in either side of my tummy. I now have a nice collection of bruises. I hadn't noticed this until Tuesday when I started injecting drug no 2 - Gonal-F. A couple of five cent piece size bruises. Nice.

At around 9.30pm each night I get out a couple of swabs, the syringe for the Lucrin and the sharps container. Out of the fridge comes the vial of Lucrin and the Gonal-F pen. I line it all up on the kitchen work surface - dial-up 300iu on the Gonal-F pen, draw-up 10units (which I think is 1ml) of Lucrin into the syringe and I'm ready to go. It's a slightly surreal evening ritual, which I actually look forward to. Is that odd? Maybe, maybe not.

On Saturday night I babysat for my friend's little boy who is just four precious months old. While they got ready for their much looked forward to night out I stood in the dark cradling their tiny son while he fell asleep. I rocked him and sang to him and marvelled at his total trust that he was safe and looked after. He let out big sighs as his body relaxed and sucked on his dummy - I was entranced. I knew in that moment that my life is finally on the right path. This time next year I could be cradling my own child. With every injection I give myself I feel that that moment is drawing closer - needle by needle.

All aboard the IVF roller coaster

Strap yourself in!

I've been a very bad blogger. Slapped wrists for me. With that self-flagellation out of the way I will endeavour to fill in the gaps.

So my IUI treatment ended in a Big Fat Negative (BFN). No surprises there. It would have been nice to be hit with the beginner's luck stick, but it wasn't to be. It was worth a try though. I wanted to give my body a chance to get pregnant within minimal interference from the medical world, but with that 'introduction' to assisted reproductive technology under my belt I swiftly realised I was ready to bring out the big guns. IVF - and all her reinforcements.

My FS agreed with my reasoning. That I didn't have time to waste and IVF has a higher success rate. That financially it made sense - I knew that if I followed the recommendation of another two IUIs before moving to IVF that it would be next year before my credit cards recovered sufficiently to cope with the battering IVF would give them. IVF means they can select the best eggs rather than just hoping that a good one to comes alone. IVF means they can fertilise several eggs thereby making better use of the expensive vial of super-sperm.

So I am now four days into a regime of injecting myself with IVF drugs. The drug I am currently jabbing myself with on a nightly basis, Lucrin, will send my body into a kind of temporary menopause so that when my next cycle starts the follicle stimulating hormone drug I'll also start injecting will take over my system. Hopefully this will result in the growth of plenty of big fat follicles containing healthy, mature eggs - one of which will become my baby. Continuing to take the Lucrin as well ensures I don't spontaneously ovulate and lose all those ripe eggs.

My ideal scenario is that enough of my eggs fertilise to give me a few embryos to freeze for the future. Storing frozen embryos, not egg-freezing which is far from perfected, is the best way to preserve your fertility once you get to my age. If I'm lucky enough to get pregnant this time around and then decide I want to have another child in the future I'll be able to attempt it with embryos created with 38 year old eggs rather than 40-41 year old eggs. Bonus. Plus frozen embryo transfers are a fraction of the price of IVF.

I'm going to weekly acupuncture sessions, taking vitamins and Omega 3 capsules, meditating every day, exercising regularly, forgoing alcohol and caffeine, going to bed early and trying to eat healthily. I'm focussed and positive. Let's hope the drugs don't send my hormones too damn crazy.

I promise to you keep this blog updated with my progress. Slow and steady as it is...

Pregnant until proven otherwise...

I'm finding it slightly surreal that I am officially in the two week wait. After negative ovulation tests on both Saturday and Sunday I was instructed to do the trigger shot of Ovidrel on Sunday night at 9pm and go in for the IUI at 9.30am on Tuesday.

Everything went to plan as far as I can tell. I strongly suspect that I ovulated in the early hours of Tuesday morning. I know the egg survives in the fallopian tubes for up to 24 hours, so with those sperm put in there at around 10am I'm hoping they will have found their way to the egg just in time.

The procedure itself is no more uncomfortable or difficult that a PAP smear. She showed me the vial of sperm before she started - the tiniest amount that contains millions of actual sperm - so I could verify and sign confirmation that they had used the right donor. Then in went the speculum, the canula was inserted into my cervix and those swimmers were pushed through the tube deep into my uterus.

I was left to lie down and relax for 10 minutes or so and as soon as the nurse left the room I put my legs up the wall. Hoping and praying that no-one else walked in!

After that all that was left to do was make sure I knew how to do the three Pregnyl injections that provide extra hormonal support in luteal phase to help support a pregnancy and off I went home - with millions of some strange guy's sperm swimming around inside me! How bizarre!

I spent the rest of the day chilling out with one of my good friends and her 8 week old baby boy.

My period will be due on the 21st. If it hasn't arrived I go for a blood test on the 22nd. I do my last Pregnyl shot on the 14th and it stays in the blood stream for five days so I'm not sure doing a home pregnancy test is going to be any use at all as Pregnyl can cause a false positive.

I'm hoping for beginner's luck, but ready to go again should that not be the case...

Going with my gut...

Monday saw a slightly stressful few hours after I called the clinic before I sent through my donor choice to check if the list I had was still current. Their process is that you choose your top three from what they have in stock before each cycle. If five other women have used a donor he will be taken off the list as their is a five family limit in NSW.

All three of the donors I'd chosen had been take off the list. Of course!

I was emailed the up-to-date list and told I needed to let them know my choices by 3pm. Oh the pressure!

In the end I decided that it was fate. I should have followed my gut instinct from the start. The African American donor was still there and had stood out to me from the first time I looked at the enhanced profiles on the Xytex website. He had the best health record, was athletic, social, intelligent, had reported pregnancies, was CMV negative and was by far the best-looking. If I'd had to choose to date any of the men on the list I'd have chosen him every time without hesitating. But I allowed my head to overrule my instinct and decided to pretend I'd never seen him on the grounds that my child will have enough to deal with being donor conceived without being mixed race as well.

However with the other donors I liked now unavailable when I considered the options open to me I realised that the AA donor was head and shoulders above any of them. I knew that I would feel proud to show my child their donor and I didn't feel the same about the others options. Both my second and third options had significant health issues themselves or in their family, one was bordering on obese and I just knew they weren't people I'd be attracted to in real life.

Taking race out of the picture - as in an ideal world we should - I felt that by choosing him I was giving my child the best genes I could. Yes, none of my family are black, yes Australia isn't the most multi-racial of cultures - there are next to no black people in my suburb - but the child will also have my genes and my features so who knows what he or she will end up looking like.

Once I'd filled the form and emailed it back to the clinic I felt at peace with my choice and actually really excited about my choice as I was sure it was the best one. In fact if I don't get a BFP and he's available again next cycle I would choose him again...

The final countdown...

Ultrasound and blood test at the clinic first thing this morning. The first step on this first cycle of trying to conceive.

I'd been told the clinic I'm using can be a bit like a production line as they are so busy in the mornings with up to 40 women coming in for tests etc. But there were only three or four other clients in the waiting room, it was relatively relaxed and everyone was very chilled and friendly - not rushed at all. Whenever I've been there they dealt with me promptly and don't mess around, but that suits me fine as I usually have to rush into work. The clinic itself is done out like an upmarket day spa so you do feel at ease there - and very aware that they must be making a healthy profit!

I had the blood test first and hurriedly filled in my consent forms which I'd forgotten to complete. She asked me if I'd looked at the donor list, and told me it hadn't changed since they gave it to me last week, which is a relief. It would have been annoying to have deliberated over certain donors only to find they weren't available anymore. She said I could fax it to them later so, unsure of my third choice, I held on to it...

Blood test done I went back to the waiting room to wait for the scan. When I was called a few mintues later I was again expecting to be rushed in and out - I'd even been warned to wear clothes that were easy to get in and out of. But the Dr was very laid back and in no hurry.

It's never a pleasant experience to have a stranger rummaging around in your nether reasons. As she got out the 'dildo-cam' and pulled on a condom and covered it in lube I did have a moment of thinking 'What the hell am I doing?!' but I'm sure this is nothing compared to what happens at the other end of this process, should it be successful!

She showed me my uterus and ovaries as they appeared on the screen. The first ovary she saw had only small follicles on it but then the other came into view, and with it a very large follicle. "20mm and ready to go," she said.

"I'm surprised at that," I said. "I have a longish cycle and don't usually ovulate until day 17."

"Well in that case it could be a cyst," she said. She then took a look at the lining of my uterus which she said wasn't looking quite thick enough, but that the blood test results would tell them whether my hormones were heading towards ovulation or not. If it was a cyst she said it wasn't a problem, they'd just have to wait for another follicle to develop.

So off I went wondering what on earth it meant if one of my ovaries had developed a cyst. Would the cycle be delayed? Did I not ovulate last month? Were my eggs running out? Was my fertility already in freefall? Of course our friend Mr Google had all the answers so by the end of morning I was half reassured the cyst would disappear naturally and half convinced that I was going to have to have surgery to remove it!

Thankfully the clinic called at around 1pm and put me out of my Google induced misery. "We'd like you to take an ovulation test tomorrow, but only call us if it's positive," said the nurse. "If not take another on Sunday and call us either way, positive or negative."

So, it's the final countdown in my first cycle of trying to conceive. It was a follicle after all, not a cyst. So much for me knowing my cycle! Chances are I'll be going in for the IUI on either Monday or Tuesday - and I still haven't given them my donor choices...

My number one choice is clear, and two is pretty much decided on, but for my third choice I'm still tossing up between a nice-looking, not so intelligent, CMV positive (I'm negative) caucasian boy with no reported pregnancies OR the super-hot, sporty, intelligent, heathy, CMV negative black guy with reported pregnancies... Decisions decisions.

It's now or never - and never is not an option

So I've taken some time out. I've spent some time not thinking about having a baby. I've chilled out, I've had fun, I've been on holiday and talked to my friends and family. Now I'm back.

For a long while I had lots of uncertainty about moving foward and I've been waiting for the day when it felt like the right thing to do. That day appears to have arrived. I have put behind me the feelings I had that taking the single mother option was admitting defeat or that it meant I’d failed in life somehow. I’ll always be sad that the right person to have kids with hasn't come along yet but I just have to be realistic and admit that he hasn’t come into my life in the last 20 years so frankly he’s unlikely to put in an appearance in the next six to 12 months. Even if he did it would be a while before we knew each other well enough to have kids, and meanwhile my chances of being able to conceive will have plummeted.

I’ve revisited at all the statistics about fertility at my age and the harsh reality is it is far better that I start now so that if the right man NEVER comes along at least I’ve got a good chance of having a little person to share my life with.

I've been feeling really dissatisfied with work and knew that something had to change in my life - it's time for a big shift in some way or another. I thought about changing jobs but knew that no matter how great a role I find it would only keep me distracted from the real gap in my life for the the six months or so it is new and interesting.

A close friend suggest I write down all the pros and cons of all the options in front of me. I did just that. Staying in my current role - better the devil you know - and getting on with trying to conceive was by far the best option particularly when it comes to financial stability and of course fertility.

At the same time I had chat with a couple of other friends who told me that as mums, or mums-to-be, they felt a primal awareness that it was them and their child against the world and that if they had to cope on their own they would. I was really moved by their honesty.

I came to the conclusion that, as for everyone who embarks on parenthood, there will ALWAYS be a reason not to do it, so if I want to do it I should just get on with it while my chances of success are greater.

I also took a long hard look at my financial situation and all the benefits I’ll be entitled to and was pleasantly surprised to find I’ll get more than I at first thought because as a single parent I’d qualify for the parenting payment even though I won’t have been a permanent resident of this country for two years. That reassured me quite a bit that I could cope financially.

SOOOOOO!!!!.... I got my period last week and called the clinic to get started! I went in last week to collect drugs etc (I’m just doing IUI so it’s not fully medicated but they do give you a trigger shot which helps time the release of the egg more accurately, and another drug for after the IUI which helps your body release the right levels of hormones to support a pregnancy) and have to go back tomorrow morning for a scan and blood test so they can see how close to ovulating I am. Then they’ll be able to work out when I should do the trigger shot and schedule the IUI! – early to mid-next week I think.

Obviously the tricky part is choosing the donor! I’ve been given a list of donors to choose my top three from – and have looked at full profiles of each of them on the US sperm bank website. I knew that time spent surfing internet dating profiles had served some purpose! It was practice for this! Haha!

I started with a list of criteria - but to some degree that’s gone out the window since I’ve seen pictures and read the little essays each donor has written. I want someone who is similar colouring to me so that my child has a better chance of looking like me BUT my number one choice doesn’t quite match that – he’s got lighter brown hair, hazel/green eyes - though he matches all my other criteria – intelligent, sporty, healthy, previous pregnancies, seems like a decent person who would be nice to my child if they ever met, and is someone I think I’d be attracted to if I met them. The other donor I REALLY like is African-American! I wish I hadn’t seen his profile because he is HOT! And has the best health record, is intelligent and a very sporty (a quality that seems to be very important to me!) However I have ruled him out – or he’ll be my 3rd choice - because while I'd be happy to have a mixed-race child, and he or she would be sooo cute, the reality is that being donor conceived is enough of a challenge with regard to having limited knowledge about your genetic heritage, let alone being mixed race in a white family with no-one else of the same skin colour to relate to as well. I am very olive skinned, but I am clearly caucasian. At least if my child looks like me they’ll be less questions asked of me and of them about who their father is or are they adopted etc etc? My friend whose husband is Sri Lankan, is very fair, and says she gets people thinking that their son isn’t her child (when I’m with her people sometimes think both her kids are mine!) but at least she’s with her husband so people can see where the kids get their skin colour from. However if you’re on your own it just opens you up to having to explain too much and down the line means the child is going to be more aware of what is missing from their life. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway! If any of you reading this saw the guy you’d understand the dilemma.

Anyway, the list could have changed by the time my IUI is done so I’m trying not to get too attached to the idea of any of the donors in particular. It's such a bizarre way to go about having a child! I was looking at one of the donors profiles the other day and thinking ‘oh my god, I could have your child in the not too distant future’ – how surreal is that!?

But overall I’m feeling really confident and positive about moving forward. Given my history I’m quietly confident about my chances of success but realise it could take a few tries to work, and maybe IVF will be necessary further down the line (and when I can afford it!). I’m just going to take it as it comes.

It’s a HUGE step I know but it’s something I have to do or I could end up really regretting it. It feels like it's now or never - and never is not an option.

Yes, doing this is for life – this will be mine and my child’s story for life – but the alternative would be far harder to deal with. I CANNOT be the single, childless woman full of regrets and bitterness because life somehow passed me by. Sure, this may not work out, maybe having my own children isn’t meant to be, but at least I will have tried and I can then move on with my life and make other plans knowing that I took some control of my life and gave it my best shot.